Save Through the Fire

We watched his tiny tummy rise rapidly, determined for air as though there was a shortage of it. "This doesn't seem right", I worriedly pointed out to my husband just weeks after bringing our Judah home. Judah, a strong name, a name rich with meaning, granted to one of Jacob's sons through which Christ's lineage can be traced back by the fingertip of our Maker's hand. Jesus is referred to as the Lion of the tribe of Judah. Our Judah, therefore, became nicknamed our lion cub, a mighty defender of the faith. His name literally means "praise God". Little did we know the weight those two words would carry and how heavy they would be upon our lips when life presented us every reason not to praise. How well we have learned the songs of holy gratitude so much so that at times the lyrics lose their meaning. But it is in our weakest moments that God teaches us a new tune. Sometimes the songs of loudest praise come from hearts rent apart, torn into pieces, vulnerable, naked, and unashamed. The melody may be somber to us but it is sweet to the Lord. "For the sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart..." (Psalm 51:17) And these sacrifices come in the form of praise, as Hebrews 13:15 tells us, giving thanks to His name. Job is an example of this when everything and everyone was ripped from His grasp. He still chose to sing, "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him" (Job 13:15). Little did we know, that our boy in his few short months of life would give us countless opportunities to choose to do the same.

Our journey began with a routine ultrasound anatomy appointment. My husband and I waited with anticipation to find out the sex of our little one, ecstatic to share the news with our family the following day as we would be celebrating our daughter's first birthday. It would be the perfect opportunity, having everyone together, to share the exciting news. Our hearts bubbled up with elation only to be pierced by grave news as soon as the doctor came in shortly after the ultrasound to share with us her findings. She noticed cysts in the brain, medically termed as choroid plexus cysts. She went on to explain that it could mean one of two things--either our baby is completely normal and that the cysts would eventually dissolve on their own or that it could be linked to a chromosomal abnormality. My mind started racing while time seemed to slow down to a brief halt. The last words I remember her saying was that she would like for us to return for a follow-up ultrasound. My husband and I walked out of the room that day with a heavy heart, trying to digest the large pill we were forced to swallow. The car ride home was a long and quiet one. What should we say to the rest of the family that is anticipating good news? We agreed at that moment not to burden them with information that wasn't certain and final. Instead, we chose to share what we did know--that we were having a little boy! What my husband and I were choosing to do was trust God. There is a scripture that I wrote on an index card attached to Judah's ultrasound photo. I mounted it on the glass pane in front of my kitchen sink to serve as a reminder that God is good in spite of our circumstances that tempt us to question otherwise. It reads, "I would have lost heart unless I believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord!" (Psalm 27:13-14)

Waiting on Him is what I did for the latter half of my pregnancy. And supernatural rest and strength I did find even as I walked down every path of "what if" scenarios I could fathom in my feeble mind. Each doubt was met with a confident declaration--"even so, Lord, thy will be done!" And truly it was well with my soul. I remember going to a Tim Hawkins concert just days after receiving the news concerning our Judah. I look back now on that evening with a smile, delighting over God's handiwork. In addition to providing us an escape for a few hours of comedic relief, I had the opportunity to hear one of our favorite stand-up comedians' testimony. When his wife was battling cancer, he re-purposed an old Eagles song, replacing it with his own lyrics. The take away verse was this, "I've got a peaceful, easy feeling. I know He won't let me down. 'Cuz I'm already standing on solid ground". That lyric replayed in my mind for several months to come as the roller coaster ride of emotions I was on made me feel at times that I would crumble and crack in an instant. But, as I'm learning, my feelings never have the final word. Jesus does. And His word says, "'Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you'" (Isaiah 54:10). I may be trembling like a leaf in the face of uncertainty. My feet may feel like they are failing beneath me on sifting sand, but the truth is I am already standing on the Rock of Jesus Christ. He is the only One constant in this life that is ever-changing. In the ebb and flow of setbacks and setups, His word never fails. He is the anchor for a wandering soul such as mine. And what I would soon find is that He is the very anchor that holds us tight even when we let go of Him and surrender to our doubts, fears, and insecurities. When we feel we might be overtaken by the crashing of the waves, it is in the letting go, being emptied of self, recognizing our helplessness and need for Him that then and only then do we find strength. And the strength I am referring to is not some supernatural power to shut the mouths of lions or to stand in the fiery furnace uncharred (though God is able to do such things). It is much simpler and perhaps more profound than that. It is grace for the moment. Just enough manna to sustain us. Just enough peace to make it through one more doctor visit met with bad news, one more rejection, one more setback. In the minor victories, in the major defeats, strength is knowing He is enough.

Fast forward to several months later. We welcomed our little lion cub into this world on December 27, 2016. Aside from being jaundice, he was the epitome of health it seemed until a few weeks after his birth. I was laying beside him and noticed he was breathing rapidly, grunting and panting for air. I brought up my concerns about his abnormal breathing to the pediatrician, but he didn't seem to be alarmed until he ran his stethoscope over Judah's heart at his one-month well visit. He finished his evaluation, grabbed a pen and paper, and wrote down a list of cardiologists that he recommended we call to schedule an appointment. What he heard was a heart murmur. For infants Judah's age, a heart murmur is not uncommon and is most often innocent. Nonetheless, my heart sank under the weight of uncertainty. Yet again, I was met with another opportunity to affirm what I know to be true--God knit this little boy together with His bare hands and knows every detail concerning him, including the structure and function of his precious pint-sized heart. As soon as I returned home, I followed the advice of the doctor and scheduled the first cardiologist appointment available.

About a week later, my husband and I, along with Judah and our other two kids found ourselves in a dim room where an echocardiogram was performed on our son. The tension was high as Judah was screaming on the examination table and Izzy, our then 18-month old, was running around like she escaped the zoo. My husband and I had already been running on zero sleep as Judah was a very irritable baby. His fussiness we attributed to normal newborn issues. The pediatric cardiologist glossed over Judah's chest with the wand of the ultrasound machine and spoke very gently to us with words that pierced through all of the chaos. He told us that he found a 10 mm sized hole in the lower chamber of the heart, what is medically referred to as VSD. He also found a hole in the upper chamber, medically termed ASD. An article I found from the American Heart Association explains his condition as such, "Normally, the left side of the heart only pumps blood to the body, and the heart's right side only pumps blood to the lungs. In a child with VSD, blood can travel across the hole from the left pumping chamber (left ventricle) to the right pumping chamber (right ventricle) and out into the lung arteries. If the VSD is large, the extra blood being pumped into the lung arteries makes the heart and lungs work harder and the lungs can become congested". If left uncorrected, this can cause permanent damage to the lung blood vessels. To sum it all up, Judah was born with a congenital heart defect. The doctor drew up a diagram of the heart to give us a visual, but I couldn't see past my tears and his voice was drowned out by the pounding of my own heart. I peered up at my husband who was holding our little lion cub in the crook of his arm, bouncing him up and down to console him as tears were streaming down his face. He looked at me, wiped his tear-stained cheeks, and then gazed up at the ceiling tiles as if he could see right through them into the heavens and declared, "We will choose to trust God". These words tasted bitter-sweet, reminiscent of the cup that Jesus drank the night He was betrayed. The doctor responded, stealing the words right out my mouth, "Yes, but sometimes it is a hard thing to do".

That afternoon when we returned home, we received a piece of mail that would catapult us into the arms of a very supportive and proactive team of doctors who would care for our Judah. It was a magazine from the University of MD addressed to the former owner of our home. Inside we found an article about a gentleman who grew up with a congenital heart defect similar to Judah's. It explained his condition in more detail. We took a leap of faith and contacted the University to schedule an appointment with one of their top cardiologists on staff. It was a shot in the dark, but the Lord's hand guided us right where we were to be, and days later we found ourselves in their children's heart unit.

Sparing all of the details, Judah would be monitored regularly, and with each visit, his health was deteriorating. At another routine cardiology appointment, we were met with more detrimental news that Judah also had an obstructed valve. I felt my heart being crushed under the weight of more bad news. Typical for infants and children suffering with Judah's condition, he stopped gaining weight and so therefore the doctors chose to intervene, admitting him into the hospital. There he would be administered three different drugs to better regulate the function of his heart and lungs. About a week later, we were sent home with hopes we could push back any talks of surgery provided his weight was on the incline. I had prayers being lifted up by people who didn't even know Judah, begging God on our behalf that our little warrior would receive the nourishment he needed to gain an ounce a day. I dreaded the mornings and evenings when I had to squeeze the meds into the side of his cheek, hoping he wouldn't gag up what he ate, setting him back further behind on the calories he needed for the day. It was an uphill battle and we were winning until about two weeks later when the meds stopped working and Judah was back to square one. The cardiologist explained at this point there was nothing medically he could do. Judah had to have surgery. These were the very words I dreaded. All this time, I was believing that God could perform a miracle. The question was not if God was able, but if He was willing. Just as the man with leprosy declared in faith to Jesus, "Lord if You are willing, You can make me clean" (Luke 5:12), I begged and pleaded with God to miraculously bind up the holes in Judah's heart. But, that was not His plan. His answer this time was no. I read a scripture earlier that week which further confirmed God's plan for Judah. It is an obscure scripture found in Isaiah 54:16 that reads "Behold I have created the blacksmith who blows the coals in the fire, who brings forth an instrument for his work". What God was showing me through this verse is that He has bestowed knowledge and wisdom upon man to do the very thing I was asking of him. He has skilled the hands of our surgeon to mend the heart of our son and countless others in his condition. He would bring about healing, just not in the way that I wanted it. It would be for His glory that we would walk through the fire hand-in-hand with Him.

The days leading up to the surgery and thereafter were a nightmare. I wish I could tell you that I walked in the doors of that hospital with superhuman strength, that God granted me supernatural peace and rest. But, I didn't feel peace and I didn't feel rest. I was exhausted, watching the nurses stick a feeding tube down my son's throat while comforting him over my shoulder when he would vomit up what his little tummy couldn't hold. I held down squirmy arms and legs as they were pricked countlessly because his veins were too tiny to get a line in. I watched helplessly as our little fighter was wheeled out of our room into the OR, that image still ingrained in my mind, and my husband and I guided into a waiting room as small as a fish bowl where we were instructed to sit tight and listen for a phone call updating us hourly on the progress of the surgery. I felt so much anguish I could scream! But, is this not what Jesus felt in the garden when He knew His fate and willfully walked the blood-stained road set before him? He felt my anguish to an extreme that droplets of blood rolled down His face. His soul was overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death as the scriptures state in Matthew 26:38.

I am beyond grateful to say that our little lion cub had a successful surgery! In the days and weeks thereafter, Judah, who was once an infant medically categorized as "failure to thrive" made up for all of his weight loss exponentially so much so that he rose to the 90th percentile! I give many thanks to my sisters who bombarded the throne room of God, pleading for his physical healing on our behalf. You are the Aaron in my story when I, like Moses, grew too weak to lift up my hands. You are like the friends of the paralyzed man, making every effort to bring him before the feet of Jesus. There were many times especially in the days leading up to Judah's surgery and the days thereafter where I felt so paralyzed by fear. Thank you for faithfully carrying me back to my Savior. I also would like to thank the family and friends who loved on us practically, whether it be through meals or looking after our two other kids. Thank you, both sets of grandparents, for being readily available when we needed you. Thank you, mom and dad, for running to my rescue when the pressure was just too great so I could cry it all out in your arms. I thank the friend who decorated our hospital room with bible verses so that no matter where I looked, I would be met with God's promises. Thank you to all who took time out of your busy day to come sit beside us, shoot us a text, or give us a call to encourage us in some way. And thank you to my husband, who modeled for me what I long to be, immovable, unshakeable, unwavering in faith. You were my rock through one of the most trying times of my life and I know it is because you are firmly rooted on the true Rock--Jesus Christ. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

The last piece of this story I will share with you took place just days after Judah's surgery. A woman stopped into our room with a red tote filled with goodies to help make our stay a little more comfortable in the hospital. After she left, my husband and I rummaged through the bag and found a little stuffed lion with a stitch over his heart. That stuffed animal was the perfect gift for our little lion cub. Only God would have known that! My eyes filled up with tears as I felt seen and so cared for by God in that moment. I was reminded that no matter how far I run away from Him, surrendering to fear, God never turns His back on me. He still loved and cared for our Judah so well and He still loves and cares for me. I have witnessed this verse to hold true, "If we are faithless, He remains faithful; He cannot deny Himself" (2 Timothy 2:13). As He was mending the heart of our son, He was mending mine just the same.

During all of my struggles with doubt and fear, wrestling with God in angst, my husband sent me a song written by MercyMe, titled "Even if". As much as it broke my heart to sing the lyrics, God gave me the strength to do so. The chorus goes:

"I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone"

God denied my prayers concerning how Judah would be healed. But the healing He provided was nothing short of a miracle. Instead, God called me into the fire to prove Himself faithful and refine my faith along the way (ref 1 Peter 1:7). It is in facing the sting of death that I found Him to be the healing balm that alleviates the sting. In my wrestlings with God, trudging forward with a limp, He is my crutch. When we are broken to pieces, He fills every gap of our aching hearts with Himself. And that is the greatest miracle of all, learning through the fire of adversity, through any and every trial, that He is enough.


These are photos of Judah leading up to the surgery, afterwards, and now! We praise God for His abundant grace and mercy!

Trust and Obey

I love how the Lord can use a simple catch phrase or the lyric of a children's hymn (as was the case for me) to confront us with a life-altering truth. It says in scripture that "God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And He chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful" (1 Corinthians 1:27 NLT). He uses the simple things to confront us of our sin and confound our false understanding of who He is. This is to lead us to repentance, a 180 degree turn away from our sin toward His throne of grace where we are invited to boldly come (ref Hebrews 4:16). For it is here that our King who is also our Father lovingly kneels down beside us, wraps His arms around us, and pours out tender mercies. This is His way of correcting our waywardness. And He will continue to do this time and time again, drawing us into a more deeper relationship with Him.

I experienced one of those moments recently when my husband, son, and I set out on an adventure to Old Gunpowder State Park, a local natural wildlife preserve with several trails to hike. This was a plan we kept a secret from my son for a few weeks. We knew him having any foreknowledge of our rendezvous would only cause unnecessary angst for a nine year-old boy as he eagerly awaited the day. And when that day finally came, he jittered with excitement in the back seat of our car until we finally pulled into the parking lot and let him loose. He ran up to the entrance of the park and inched his way through the abyss of green and yellow foliage shimmering under a golden sky, screaming of God's glory. His eyes were wide open in wonder as he gazed up at the tree limbs twisting around each other in a sweet embrace. He pointed out a sole hibiscus flower amidst the hedges shyly awaiting its full maturation. It had rained earlier that morning so our feet sunk into the wet earth beneath us, the very sod God used to fashion Adam in the palm of His hand. I breathed in and let out a sigh of relief, thinking "it is good to be here". God has made all these things for our good--the trees, the flowers, the river that ran beside us, the crisp, clean air filling my lungs. But, suddenly that thought bubble eliciting my heart to enter God's restful bliss was popped by the thorn in my flesh. What ensued was a rapid fire of loaded gun questions in the form of "what if" scenarios, drawing my attention away from the beautiful journey I was on with my family. "What if we wander too far?", I thought. "What if there are ravenous animals out here", "what if I lose my mind", "what if..., what if..., what if...?" I took an exit somewhere I shouldn't have. I lost sight of everything going on around me and most importantly I was no longer engaged with the people I was accompanied by on this journey for now my focus was on me.

My husband and son were jubilantly jumping over rocks while I was jumping over hurdles, trying to ward off the makings of a panic attack. I admittedly entered into temptation by entertaining these thoughts but I am so humbled by how God's grace abounds in spite of my foolish tendencies. Scripture states, "Where sin abounds, grace abounds much more" (Romans 5:20). As if God's staff were reaching out to reel me in, the one little sheep wandering away from the fold, I heard the slight whisper of a lyric often sung to our little ones in Sunday school echo in my mind. "Trust and obey, for there's no other way to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey". And here I faced a vital truth which God made clear to me as He would a child. He directed my attention toward my son who was prancing around the woods care-free and light-hearted. As I watched him, I was reminded that this is exactly as Christ calls me to be in Him. For in Him, we have received abundant life, no longer plagued with fear. Those of us who find our fulfillment and satisfaction in Him are "free, leaping with joy like calves let out to pasture" (Malachi 4:2). Our children are ignorant of the details of how they will be cared for. As far as they know, their needs have been met and will continue to be met. In the same way, "God's faithfulness demands our present trust". That's an excellent one-liner shared with me by my husband! And it is as simple as that. Based on the hard evidence, God has never given me a reason not to trust Him. He has never forsaken me. And as scripture states in Deuteronomy 31:6, He never will. God has set me free from the "sting of death". Scripture states, "If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed" (John 8:36). Every fear I face is a lie stemming from the very root of death. With death conquered, what is there to fear?

My husband who was guiding our steps through the woods knew the path very well. That fact should have provided me some sense of security. If I magnify this example, I find a greater lesson. Our steps through this journey called life are mapped out by Christ. He knows every pitfall along the way and He has gone before us to make the crooked paths straight (ref Isaiah 45:2). If we believe this to be true, then we must choose to live like it. "The Lord directs our steps, so why try to understand everything along the way?" (Proverbs 20:24) One will drive himself mad trying to get to the bottom of a bottomless pit of human reason. In his effort to try to appease the flesh's demand to "figure it out", he finds himself deeper and deeper entangled in a state of confusion. This life was never meant to be "figured out". We are commanded in Proverbs 3:5 to simply "Trust in the Lord with all [our] heart, and lean not on [our] own understanding". We are "leaning on our own understanding" every time we resort to "what if" thinking and try to calculate the path laid out before us. God doesn't call us to have wisdom like a sage but rather have faith like a child. It is actually our dependence on God, much like a child, that leads us to wisdom. "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom" (Proverbs 9:10).

When we abandon our own understanding to acknowledge God in all we do, we can't help but find contentment in life. And as the hymn states, "there is no other way to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey". However, this is where it gets tricky for us over-complicated thinkers. Trust is not a concept that we rationalize in the mind. It is a matter of the heart. When we treat it as such, we are sadly left unchanged. We must put trust into practice in order for it to effect the heart and ultimately transform our lives.

Now, the second part of the hymn calls us to obey. God invites us to believe. But belief isn't just the mere recognition that there is one God for even the powers of darkness believe this to be true (ref James 2:19). It is living out the reality that Jesus Christ is Lord and that we are subjects of His kingdom, not our own. It is trusting Him as Lord of our lives. But, there are different motivations behind one's obedience. If we obey God out of fear of punishment, then we have not grasped fully the width, height, and depth of His love for us. One who experiences this love that has and continues to cover a multitude of our sins, as scripture tells us, is made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God (ref Ephesians 3:18-19). Scripture states in 1 John 4:18, "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love". The word "perfect" also means "complete". So in essence, this scripture is revealing that we are not made complete until we allow Love Himself to pervade with great impact our whole self. Where fear remains, love has not yet been granted access to do its healing and transformative work. By God's grace, certain territories of our hearts are radically changed by the awareness of how much we are loved by our Creator. In other instances, God purposes to progressively infiltrate select areas of our lives. A completely surrendered heart will be made completely whole. And that is God's desire for us all. He wants us to live a full and empowered life. But, to come into agreement with God's will for us, we must choose to trust Him every moment of every day. This, in and of itself, is an act of obedience.

When we obey Christ it is because we trust that it is for our good. It is only because of our lack of understanding of who Christ is that we think otherwise. Do not be like "the horse or like the mule, which have no understanding, which must be harnessed with bit and bridle, else they will not come near you" (Psalm 32:9). An animal who is afraid of its surroundings or its owner is not inclined to follow his master's commands. In turn, he ends up doing more harm to himself by leaning on his own understanding. God tells us that He "will instruct [us] and teach [us] in the way [we] should go"; and He does so by "guiding [us] with [His] eye" (Psalm 32:8). He doesn't place a heavy burden of rules or demands on us. His yoke is easy and His burden is light (ref Matthew 11:30). Instead, He simply gestures to us the path that is right and then gives us the opportunity to decide.

We truly have no understanding to lean on but the word of God. And God's message is simple, so much so that He instructs us to receive it like a child. I was reminded of this when my family and I returned to the car after our family outing. I turned up the volume to the radio to have as background music as we chatted about the details of our day. I leaned back in the passenger seat, cracked the window open, and allowed the wind to soothe my weary head. Shortly after, the background noise traveled to the forefront of mind and gripped my undivided attention as I heard the lyrics resounding from the speakers singing, "Trust and obey, for there's no other way to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey". I smiled. I knew that word was just for me. All of the torment I experienced earlier that day ended with sweet rest for I was reminded yet again that God is with me. It is indeed good to be here, resting in God's sovereignty.

The Good Part

I came home late from bible study, kicked off my shoes by the door, and went straight into the kitchen. I rummaged through the refrigerator, pulled out salami, pepperoni, rosemary ham, pickles, American cheese, diced onions, mayo, yellow mustard, and multigrain bread. (I bet you're getting hungry just reading off that list!) I placed all the ingredients out before me on the kitchen counter and went to work, perfecting the art of sandwich-making for the two men (or should I say 1 1/2 men) in my household. I oftentimes stick a pepperoni slice or two into my mouth as I am hand-crafting each delectable sandwich. But, this time I caught myself before slipping my hand into the plastic container to feast on this tasty treat. I had almost forgotten that I pulled out a bag of Trader Joe's dried mango slices as well in hopes that they would satisfy my craving for a late-night snack. I glanced over at them, a dull yellow pigment under the dim light of my oven range lamp. It didn't look as appetizing as the sodium-saturated, protein-enriched succulent mixture of beef and pork calling my name. But, as I obeyed that little voice inside, I realized that I had chosen the "good part".

As I later pondered upon this insignificant event, I thought of the story of Mary and Martha in the bible. You can find this well-known account in Luke 10:38-42. As the story goes, Jesus visited a village where these two sisters lived. Martha, receiving word that Jesus was in town, welcomed Him into her home. The course of events thereafter are summed up in a few verses. Contention brewed between the two sisters as Mary "sat at Jesus' feet and heard His word. But, Martha was distracted with much serving..." (Luke 10:39-40). I can picture this scene. Mary, completely oblivious of the commotion going on in the kitchen, is peering up at Jesus, intently listening and lingering on every word proceeding from His mouth. Martha, on the other hand, busying herself over dinner preparations, can not hear above the clamor of clanging pots and pans. A bit enraged, she confronts Jesus and states, "Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Therefore tell her to help me" (Luke 10:40). Jesus cooly responds by saying, "Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about many things. But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her" (Luke 10:41-42).

We can infer that by eagerly welcoming Jesus into their home, both Mary and Martha accepted Jesus into their hearts. Scripture states, "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me" (Revelation 3:20). One might even conclude that Martha was the first of the two sisters to receive Jesus with joy as she chose to invite Him in the first place. But, at some point during His stay, she lost sight of this joy. The condition of Martha's heart may be described as a mixture between two soils, that of the stony ground and thorny ground. (The Parable of the Sower further explains this in Matthew 13, Mark 4, and Luke 8). Scripture describes the stony soil as, "he who who hears the word and immediately receives it with joy; yet he has no root in himself, but endures only for a while" (Matthew 13:20-21). The thorny soil is described as "he who hears the word, [but] the cares of this world and the deceitfulness of riches choke the word, and he becomes unfruitful" (Luke 10:22). Martha started out well by receiving Jesus into her home with joy and making preparations to serve Him. But, she became more concerned with works than with her guest. Meal preparations and tending to her company took precedence over simply laying at Jesus' feet to receive. After all, it was His intent to serve, not to be served. Jesus states in Mark 10:45, "For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many". Mary, on the other hand, understood this. She sat by Jesus' feet to hear God's word and was in turn spiritually fed.

The condition of Mary's heart might be described as the good soil. This soil is explained in scripture as "those who, having heard the word with a noble and good heart, keep it and bear fruit with patience" (Luke 8:15). Resting at Jesus' feet looked like carelessness and negligence in Martha's eyes. But this is what Jesus Christ described in this passage as the "one thing [that] is needed", the "good part". Mary received the seed and endured with her Savior. She refused to allow what was being sown into her heart to be taken away from her by following her sister's lead. Martha, on the other hand, chose everything else but the "one thing [that was] needed". She was so preoccupied with the cares and concerns of the present moment that she no longer found joy in it. Jesus Christ visited the sisters not only to address their spiritual need but also to introduce them to the joy and fulfillment found in communing with Him. Psalm 16:11 states, "In Your presence is fullness of joy; at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore". Martha did not experience this fullness of joy because she did not remain in God's presence as Mary did. This is the "good part" that Mary understood, but Martha overlooked.

Jesus Christ who gave His life a ransom for many also became poor that "you through His poverty might become rich" (2 Corinthians 8:9). Jesus Christ (the God of the universe) has no need. Therefore, when He entered as a guest into Martha's home, it wasn't to be served (as I mentioned earlier) but to serve, to get personal with her and to address her unique and personal need. He desired to sow the invaluable seed of the word into her heart just as He did for Mary, but Martha was not still in His presence long enough for it to take root. Any potential for this was choked out by her trivial pursuits. Scripture states, "Be still, and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10). If she were still before Him, perhaps she would have realized that she was in the presence of her Maker and may have discovered the spiritual implications therein, satisfying not only her soul's need but also desire.

We all experience a craving for something richer and deeper than this world offers. There is a void in every man's heart that grows increasingly larger when he attempts to satisfy his spiritual need through superficial means. For example, every person craves love and many look to their relationships solely to satisfy it. Every person desires joy and many will strive to create or recreate their own utopia in hopes to obtain and sustain a transient sentiment known as happiness. Everyone desires peace and many walk through life in denial, a coping mechanism that makes the tribulations we face on a daily basis easier to endure. As C.S. Lewis puts it, "If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world". We are indeed made for another world, one with eternal resources intended to satiate the longings of our eternal state of being. How sad it is when even we as Christians rely on our own meager attempts to fill the gaping holes in our hearts rather than looking to the finished work on the cross that now affords us an abundant life. We live as paupers when in truth we are rich in Christ who "gave His life a ransom for many".

We who received the gift of His Spirit have direct access to the fruit therein--the attributes of Christ. Those who live in Christ are exhorted to walk in Christ as scripture states, "If we live in Christ, let us also walk in the Spirit", His Spirit (Galatians 5:25). To walk in the Spirit takes a conscious effort to silence the flesh by choosing joy, love, peace, kindness, forgiveness, self-control, etc., choosing the "good part". On the topic of love (a fruit of the spirit) vs. hate (a fruit of the flesh), Katherine Anne Porter writes, "Love must be learned, and learned again and again; there is no end to it. Hate needs no instruction, but waits only to be provoked." The gifts and fruit of the Spirit are something to be embraced by choice and not by chance for man is naturally against the things of God.

Just as Mary chose the "good part", Martha made a choice as well, one that kept her away from the fullness that Jesus Christ provides when He enters into our lives. We will become spiritually bankrupt if we are consumed with our rights (as Martha was) and the cares of this life. Though Jesus Christ was present in her life, she chose to spend her present not resting in His presence but rather concerning herself with pressing demands that were self-imposed. Now we all have responsibilities that must be attended to no matter how insignificant they seem in light of eternity. One might argue that if Martha didn't serve her guests, who would? But, it wasn't the work that separated her from the Lord. It was the condition of her heart while doing the work. We can choose to be good stewards of the work God has entrusted us with by laboring unto His glory. But, Mary sought recognition and reciprocation. If we invest ourselves into the kingdom of God looking for a payout, we are investing foolishly. We will drain our account. This is oftentimes when we find our "labor of love" laborious and burdensome because God is not guaranteeing our investment. We are exhausting our meager means in striving to do the Lord's work. Our efforts in this case are futile. Psalm 127:1 states, "unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it".

I pray that our lives reflect one that is well spent, resting in the presence of our Savior. For this is the "one thing [that] is needed", the "good part, which will not be taken away from [us]". It is so sad that many of us as Christians have not a clue about this rest Jesus Christ offers. Perhaps it is because we are following the wisdom of the world, believing that one must strive in order to see things accomplished in his life his way. However, the wisdom of the Father compels us to do the exact opposite, to deny our lives and follow Christ. Jesus Christ proves that this wisdom comes from God as He states in Matthew 11:25, "'I thank You, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that You have hidden these things from the wise and prudent and have revealed them to babes'". A few verses later in this text, Jesus Christ expounds upon where this wisdom will lead us--into His rest. "'Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest'" (Matthew 11:28). But, man submitted to his fleshly ways overcomplicates the simplicity of this message and brings upon himself grief. The lyrics of "What a Friend We Have in Jesus" describes this so well: "O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear, all because we do not carry everything to God in prayer"..."Are we weak and heavy laden, cumbered with a load of care? Precious Savior, still our refuge; take it to the Lord in prayer. Do thy friends despise, forsake thee? Take it to the Lord in prayer. In His arms He'll take and shield thee; thou wilt find a solace there".

David understood what it's like to be cumbered with a load of care, experiencing heartaches, anxiety, depression, and at many times in his life felt the sting of being forsaken by people he trusted and loved. But, still he managed to find his way into God's rest. In writing Psalm 27, he described the "one thing" that he desired of the Lord--"that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord, and to inquire in His temple" (verse 4). This is the "one thing" that Mary desired as well, gazing up at her Savior and beholding His beauty.

At the start of each day and at every opportunity thereafter, let us choose that which is needed, the "good part". As David put it, being in the presence of God was the one thing he desired. Jesus Christ described it as the one thing needed. Our want and our need intersect at the foot of the cross where His death satisfies the aching condition of the human heart. When we identify the Lord as our shepherd, we "shall not want" as described in Psalm 23. He who sovereignly and tenderly takes care of His sheep knows how to satisfy every longing stirring within. But we have to choose to follow Him, to walk in His Spirit, and enter His rest. As an outsider looking in, this life may seem less appetizing like that bag of dried mangos, but a life hid in Christ is a life well-spent. It is an abundant life, something the world seeks and will never find outside of Christ. Those who rest like Mary did at Jesus' feet, beholding His beauty in steadfast communion with Him, are immovable. They have found the "one thing needed". As it states in Psalm 63:5 (NLT) "You satisfy me more than the richest feast". Therefore, may our lives reflect a choice made for the "good part".

Passion with Commitment (To be a Hearer and Doer of the Word)

I have a burning desire within to grab the heel of the woman God has destined for me to be. But to have such passion without commitment is futile. There is a grueling battle between the flesh and the spirit that takes place everyday. He who endures receives the privilege of laying hold of the man/woman imbued with the fragrance of Christ, mirroring His image and walking in His likeness. But to endure takes commitment and one can't have passion (for anything or anyone) without it. These are words I read recently when scrolling through my Facebook's newsfeed and since then they have stuck like peanut butter to the roof of my mouth. Now, if I could just wash it down with a tall glass of milk! For these words to have any effect, they mustn't be retained in the mind, but digested in the heart. This is where our thoughts shape our behavior. As it states in scripture, "Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks" (Luke 6:45) and so do our actions. They reflect the whispers echoed within the four walls of our home where Christ resides (in the heart). We can think of our actions like children. When sent out into the world, they will portray in public that which they observe in private. We are as children in God's eyes and in the privacy of our home (the heart) God speaks and teaches us in a still, small voice that can only be heard when we are still and small before Him. Committing to a lifestyle of prayer and study of the bible, "closet time" with Christ, is indicative of our passion for Him and vital to our walk.

Today, as I write from my heart, you are getting a glimpse of what's stirring inside the walls of my home. There is a restlessness that I believe is orchestrated by the hand of my Father. He who knows me best knows what's best for me and in truth the complacency I've fallen subject to recently is far from the abundant life Jesus Christ calls us to. The Spirit is groaning within as I repeatedly fall short of mastering the same life lessons I have come up against throughout my adult years. It is the issues that the enemy has dug roots so deep into the hardened soil of the heart that manifest often and in the most peculiar ways.

The dirt of my past I've swept and kept under stones decorating the landscape of my heart has begun to pollute the soil. When we endure with Christ, however, we find that He leaves no stone left unturned. Before Christ, I developed a calloused heart, self-imposed as a means of protection of myself against the world, a guarding of my heart from feeling too hard, loving too hard, a fool proof avoidance strategy of being hurt too hard. But, I've learned it is God who guards our hearts. Any attempts to do this in our own strength results in a makeshift cast iron replica of a heart that goes through the motions of life without experiencing its purposeful design--to pump the oxygen-enriched blood of the Lamb through these spiritual veins, to beat at a tempo that God orchestrates in perfect time, to live out the beautiful melody that harmoniously intertwines with His.

If we have any shot of living out this abundant life that is promised to us in Christ, we must allow Him to soften the soil to get to the roots that the enemy has buried deep within. This is not a quick and painless process, however, when it's on territory that the enemy has maintained dominion over for a long time. For he is not relinquishing this territory without a fight. But my passion for Christ and determination to lay hold of the sanctified woman Christ sees in me is beckoning me to commit and allow Him to work out that which He is working in me. We can either bow down to the enemy in complacency or make a choice to hold tight to the promise of a future life that does not give way easily to sin. We may suffer for a moment but "he who has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, that he no longer should live the rest of his time in the flesh for the lusts of men, but for the will of God" (1 Peter 4:1-2). I look forward to the end result that after "[I] have suffered a while, [Christ Jesus will] perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle [me]" (1 Peter 5:10) like the dust that settles after a storm. We may be stirred up, but in Christ we are never displaced. We can always return to home base, square up with God, and discover the purpose behind the pain--whatever He is trying to uproot from our hearts.

I am beginning to understand that the pollution in the soil of my heart underlying the surface level manifestation of anxiety is letting go and that includes control over my life as well as anything or anyone I have looked to to define it. "One must lose his life for Christ's sake in order to find it". These are words paraphrased from Christ's lips spoken several times throughout the scriptures. Here we see a list of different ways God states this vital point:

Matthew 10:39 – Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.
Matthew 16:24-26 - Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul?
Mark 8:35 – For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it.
Luke 9:24 – For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it.
Luke 17:33 – Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it.
John 12:25 – The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.

This is undoubtedly an important lesson as it is reinforced so many times by Jesus Christ Himself in the four gospels. You might think that this lesson would stick like post-it notes on the bare walls of this wicked heart as many times as I've read it, heard it, and reminded myself of it. Yet, I still struggle with it. And I have found that just as Jesus Christ was so gracious to reiterate such an important point in scripture as many times as He did, He is also gracious to allow me to go through life's experiences--various scenarios that differ in nature but point me to the same lesson: "Let go"!

As a result of not doing so, I presently find myself enduring a spiritual stomachache. The first signs and/or symptoms are queasiness and restlessness of spirit as the body attempts to reject the foreign ingredient that is making it sick. The physical manifestations of spiritual unrest could be anger, frustration, depression, anxiety, etc. The culprit of all this is the Spirit's alert of a foreigner (the enemy) inhabiting Christ's territory--our heart. However, the good Lord who has started a good work in us is faithful to complete it (ref Philippians 1:6), meaning He will not leave us in our present state. The spiritual unrest we face could be a result of the war going on inside as Christ fights to regain all of the territory of our hearts, not just what we are willing to give Him. Whatever does not coexist harmoniously with His kingdom within must be rejected and cast out. And the process is often a painful one. Think of a war between two nations over territory they both desire. There is a fight to the death. It is bloody and vile. And so it is within. The Spirit groans to be made whole and fully restored back to its rightful owner. But the means by which this occurs involves a tearing away of the flesh, death to self. He who is committed and endures, exercising one of the fruits of the Spirit, "longsuffering", will vomit up and out of his life all that has made him sick. Think of that instant relief you get once the foreign substance is out of your system.

Commitment sees us beyond temporary relief, however. It drives us to the door of deliverance. He who is committed is "he who looks into the perfect law of liberty and continues in it, and is not a forgetful hearer but a doer of the work, this one will be blessed in what he does" (James 1:25). This man measures himself up against the holy standard of the word and ponders his spiritual state as well as the path of his feet. Thereafter, he commits a firm grip of his hand to the plow for what he has heard becomes his life's work. He who is passionate about his Maker is eagerly committed to the work therein for he has made up his mind to follow Christ, a deliberate decision made after counting the cost.

But, he who is foolish will hear the word, be convicted of it, and may also even repent, but at some point along the journey, lose focus, stray from the path of righteousness, and return to his own vomit. Proverbs 26:11 states, "As a dog returns to his own vomit, so a fool repeats his folly". This man may have found the road too narrow or the cost too high to follow Christ. He is the man who "observing his natural face in a mirror, goes away, and immediately forgets what kind of man he was" (James 1:23-24). This is the man who has seen the face of Christ when looking into the scriptures but doesn't realize the potential God sees in him. He therefore closes the book and walks away unchanged. That relief or sense of peace we receive when looking into the perfect law of liberty is just temporary in this instance. We are prone to stray even returning to our own vomit if we do not "look into the perfect law of liberty" (searching for spiritual application) and "continue in it" (committing to live out that which we have heard). Passion with commitment endures, no matter the grief or cost involved, and sees us to full deliverance.

I am counted as the foolish man every time I repeat my folly. And this is not coming from a place of condemnation but conviction. There is a difference. Understanding where I fall short should drive me to my knees for repentance and thereafter fuel a closer walk with my Creator. Condemnation, on the other hand, causes me to run and hide, distancing myself from Him. Understanding that God is a loving Father, who sits by us when we are ill and sees to it that we are made well, helps us to endure. Christ is the perfect example of passion with commitment. He never forsakes us. He loves us beyond our failures. And He is committed to completing the good work He has begun in us. Now may we, if found in spiritual unrest, bring it before the Lord and ask for strength to endure the battle between the spirit and flesh. Trust that for the rest of our lives on this side of eternity, God is working to uproot the enemy from His territory--our hearts. We must work alongside of Him in this process, however. Fighting against Him by holding on tight to this life only causes further contention within. We are on the winning team. Let us allow Christ to lead us to victory and lay hold of the person He has intended for us to be.

Faith

“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen” (Hebrews 11:1). What drives a person to his knees at the throne of grace is faith. There is evidence of a relationship with our Father by the way a believer clings to the hope that his prayers are heard and answered in such a consecrated place. Faith is a gift and when received, its “substance” manifests by belief. One does not come to God unless he believes that He is living and rewards him who seeks (reference Hebrews 11:6). When faith is received, spiritually exercised by drawing nigh unto the King, and practically applied in one’s life, then faith is given breathing room to thrive. “For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also” (James 2:26). These are the fingerprints of faith alive in a believer’s life (summarized per Hebrews 11):

By faith we understand that our reality is framed by the word of God.
By faith we are a living sacrifice pleasing unto God.
By faith we are deemed righteous.
By faith we cross over death into eternal life.
By faith we believe God is.
By faith we move with godly fear to trust and obey.
By faith we go where God points.
By faith we dwell and wait patiently in a foreign land.
By faith we receive strength.
By faith we conceive God’s purpose.
By faith we judge God faithful.
By faith we are assured of, embrace, and confess the promises of God.
By faith God is not ashamed to be called our God.
By faith we withhold nothing from God.
By faith we receive prophetic utterance.
By faith we bless others.
By faith we worship.
By faith we receive counsel and instruct others in godly wisdom.
By faith we are delivered.
By faith we call ourselves sons and daughters of the living God.
By faith we suffer and endure affliction.
By faith we turn from the pleasures of sin.
By faith our treasure is in heaven.
By faith we fear God, not man.
By faith we honor the sanctity of life.
By faith we are saved.
By faith we escape the threats of the enemy.
By faith obstacles fall.
By faith we are preserved and protected.
By faith the dead are raised to life.
Through faith we obtain a good testimony.

By faith we see the invisible God.

“Without faith it is impossible to please God” (Hebrews 11:6).

Bee Still

Winter has finally melted into spring and with that comes an awakening. The cherry blossoms unfold into a beautiful array of pale pink petals seemingly painted upon the brown, barren trees. The street where my house sits no longer hibernates in silence; it is now enlivened by the echo of giggles from the neighborhood children playing basketball and hopscotch on their driveways. The birds bellow from their bellies a song pure and delicate while beneath their nests buzz busy bees back in honey-making business. I sat on my country-style porch to take it all in. I wanted to be romanced by the sights and sounds of God's handiwork on display so I made a point to carve out time in my day to just be still. I closed my eyes to heighten the efficiency of my other senses. It wasn't long until I detected the droning sound from a bee drawing near. It grew louder as it drew closer. Soon fear rose up from within and clenched my heart. All I could think to do at that moment was jump up from my chair and run through my spring-wreath adorned front door. So, I did and as I did, I wondered how foolish I must have looked to the neighbors toiling in their garden across the street. I made this huge commotion (arms flailing and all) over a little bee! As my adrenaline and heart rate decreased, I heard a still, small voice gently say, "Be still". I peered out the window to make sure the coast was clear before I journeyed back outside. I inched my way back to the distressed white wicker chair where I was seated. To my dismay, however, as soon as I returned, so did the bee. This time though I planned to do as I was directed: "Be still". I unclenched my fists, drew in a deep breath, and flopped down into the chair like an open bag of potatoes. I let all of the fears, threats, and insecurities roll out from within me until I was empty and could feel my heart rate now rest in peace. Though my circumstances didn't change, I did. I made a choice that day that I would not allow my emotions to rule over me, to cripple me. I would not bow down to fear.

Our emotions have a natural tendency to run amuck when faced with adversity. What categorizes "adversity" depends on the person and his/her perceptions of self in relation to an ever-changing world. Oftentimes, the way we handle conflict (anything that resists our current state of being, thinking, or feeling) depends on our flexibility to change. The body naturally responds to conflict in one of two ways: fight or flight. We were designed that way for survival. However, in this day and age, because we are oversaturated with news that threatens our security and bombarded by an overwhelming amount of options, it is no wonder that we are in a constant state of panic. We shrink at all of the potential each day brings to render us vulnerable as we strive to protect (or neglect) our marriages, our children, our job security, etc. There is no better time than now to cling to the only thing constant in an ever-changing world--Jesus Christ!

Psalm 46:10 tells us, "Be still, and know that I am God". When I meditate on this verse, I think of God inviting me in for a cup of coffee so that I might know Him more intimately. This verse is strategically sandwiched in between a juxtaposition of God's attributes. Verses 8-9 of this passage direct us to "behold the works of the Lord", He who "makes wars cease to the end of the earth. He breaks the bow and cuts the spear in two". In other words, He is our Great Defender. Following the verse that commands us to "be still and know" is another characteristic of God that we will explore more in-depth: He is our ever-present Protector. Verse 11 states, "The Lord of hosts is with us; The God of Jacob is our refuge". Psalm 46 also begins with the same declaration validating God as our protector and "refuge" as it states, "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble". What a thought! He is very present meaning He has always been, is, and forever will be with us. Because He is omnipresent, we have a refuge readily available to us, everywhere and anywhere we go. Psalm 32:7 states [referring to the Lord], "You are my hiding place; You shall preserve me from trouble; You shall surround me with songs of deliverance". Joshua 1:9 states, "Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go". The Holy Spirit, like an eagle, hovers over us wherever we go and offers us a safe haven where we can hide. "Under His wings [we] shall take refuge" (Psalm 91:4b).

We must chew on verses such as these to savor the flavor of Christ's character. He is not some ethereal, lofty being who sits in the clouds and observes us under a magnifying glass. He is present and personal in each of our lives. He sent His Spirit to be our helper, companion, and guide. We realize this as we dig deep into His word and learn that from Genesis to Revelation echoes a common theme--God's love for and desire to be in relationship with His people. As we seek God and draw near to Him through communicating in prayer and study of His word, scripture says He will draw near to us and we will find Him (Reference Jeremiah 29:13, James 4:8). But, if His presence never lifts from us, how is it then that we should find Him? If scripture tells us that God is always near even when we don’t feel it to be true, then the problem must be with our perception. Think of yourself as looking through a microscope lens. It may be blurry at first glance but the more time you spend with the Lord focusing in by growing in the knowledge of Him, the more His image becomes clear. God appears to have drawn near when in truth He was there all along. The more time we invest in the study of His word, the more we recognize His presence among us.

A very present God gives us surety that there is nothing to fear. The only fear that we are to bow down to is a healthy fear of the Lord. “In the fear of the Lord there is a strong confidence, and His children will have a place of refuge” (Proverbs 14:26). This morsel of truth is especially valuable to a person who has unfortunately learned through life's experiences that the people closest to him/her can't be trusted, making his/her world a very uncertain place. However, when we let down our guard to let God in, we realize through time that He is trustworthy. Life therefore becomes less threatening. The God of Jacob as mentioned in the final verse in Psalm 46 is the same God whose Spirit hovers over us today. He offered Jacob refuge and He offers us the same. Let us discover this truth for ourselves and wash our minds in it daily so that we will meet life’s uncertainties with the same poise and posture of humility as when we are resting at His feet.

I love the account in Genesis detailing the night that Jacob wrestled with God. It provides us with some understanding as to why the God of Jacob is also a God of refuge. Prior to Jacob's encounter with the Lord, he was consumed with fear at the thought of meeting with his estranged brother, Esau, who twenty years prior sought to kill him. Receiving word that his brother was en route accompanied by 400 men, Jacob believed that Esau had intentions to seek revenge against him and his entire family. So, Jacob devised a plan to appease his brother by sending his family members and servants before him with gifts. The very night that he sent his plan forth, Jacob was left alone with nothing but his thoughts. He was crippled with fear. But, God intervened and revealed himself in the form of Man. Instead of speaking with Jacob, scripture tells us that God wrestled with him until daybreak (Genesis 33:24). God intended to revive the will to fight that waned within him. All of his life up until this point, Jacob was driven and did not back down when met with challenges. Even as an infant, Jacob, desiring the firstborn’s birthright, clung to his brother’s heel before exiting the womb. Esau was born first but Jacob successfully crafted a plan to con his father, Isaac, into blessing him over his brother. When it was time to marry, Jacob pursued the beautiful Rachel and worked fourteen years to receive her hand in marriage. In all of these examples, it is evident that Jacob's eyes were on the blessing rather than the God who provides them. Jacob learned how to trust in his own way and persevere in his own strength, but God was going to teach him how to persevere in faith. His persistence might be admirable before men, but it was displeasing to God for Jacob never sought God first. Proverbs 3:5-6 tells us that we must not lean on our own understanding but rather acknowledge the Lord in all our ways and He shall direct our paths.

God was going to teach Jacob to let go of his former ways and cling to Him from that point forward. Just like a boxer clings to his opponent when he is weary from exhaustion but refusing to give up the fight, God caused Jacob to cling to Him after disjointing his hip. He, like a good father playfully tussling with his son, roused Jacob from a defeated countenance so he might see for himself the type of man God empowered him to be in comparison to the type of man he had become on his own, cowardly lingering behind as he allowed his wives, children, and servants to go before him to confront the situation causing him anguish. All of his anxious suffering may have been avoided if he sought God first to go before him. Nonetheless, this strenuous fight did revive Jacob's spirit and caused him to hold tight to his Opponent. Jacob cried out, "I will not let You go unless You bless me!" (Genesis 32:26). This is the response God desired from Jacob all along and He desires the same from us. The wrestling match with God taught Jacob to persevere in faith rather than rest in his own strength. Scripture tells us that we are to “glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope” (Romans 5:3-4). This struggle with God developed a perseverance in Jacob to let go of his own way and cling to God's plan. As the story goes, Jacob prevailed and his hope was fulfilled as God blessed him and changed his name to Israel (Genesis 32:29). In addition to this, Jacob would soon discover that God had another blessing awaiting him on the other side of daybreak.

As soon as morning pierced through the night, Jacob lifted his eyes and saw Esau and his entourage of 400 men in the distance. However, unbeknownst to Jacob, God had already gone before him. He was at work in Esau's heart prior to their meeting. As a result, we witness a hallmark moment as Esau, the very man Jacob feared, runs toward him, embraces him, and they weep (Genesis 33:4). Jacob agonized over the "what ifs" but God had them covered. Psalm 27:3 states, “Though an army may encamp against me, my heart shall not fear”. We can speak this scripture with confidence when we know that the God of Jacob is also our God. He goes before us to meet our battles looming in the distance. What if Jacob didn’t cling to God the night before? Perhaps he would have run away tormented by fear, missing out on a beautiful reunion and opportunity for reconciliation with his brother. Throwing in the towel prematurely isn't a question when our hands are fully gripping God’s promises. Scripture states, "I cling to Your testimonies; O Lord, do not put me to shame! I will run the course of Your commandments for You shall enlarge my heart" (Psalm 119:32). May we cling to God’s word confidently as He enlarges our hearts with love that casts out all fear. Just as he did with Jacob, God will wrestle us out of the imprisonment of our minds all through the night if he has to in order for us to run the course of His commandments into the blessing awaiting us on the other side of daybreak.

The pesky bee I described earlier is like the enemy who attempts to confine us by crippling us with fear. He watches us carefully and learns how to distract us with temptations and empty threats. He desires that we engage in battle with him unprotected. But God intervenes, just as He did with Jacob, to wrestle us out of the enemy's grip by bringing to our remembrance the truth of His word and empowering us to cling to promises such as this: "God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind" (2 Timothy 1:7). Scripture tells us that "the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour" (1 Peter 5:8). We feed on the fruit of the lies he dangles before us like bait when we, just as Jacob did, trust in our own way (reference Hosea 10:13b). Operating in the flesh, we will do one of two things, fight back or flee, because our flesh is weak. And this response is what attracts a lion to his prey for he smells the scent of fear rather than the fragrance of Christ’s strength. James 4:7 describes what we must do in a situation such as this, "Submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you". Submission to God requires death to our flesh. Remember God doesn't compete with our striving. But when we die to self, rest washes over us. It changes our demeanor and countenance. It reveals to the enemy as well as to the world that we are immovable for we are clinging like Jacob to the Rock and the Anchor of our souls. A person at rest doesn't flail his arms about in a state of panic as I did when I encountered the bee. Such a response alerts the enemy of a crack in our frame where he might gain a foothold.

I remember learning as a child that the way to avoid a bee sting is to remain still. Soon the bee will flee. That practical advice can be applied spiritually. Be still and know that God is who He says He is. This is how we resist the devil. Persevering faith trusts that our souls are well even in the midst of a tempestuous storm or standing in the line of fire for we know that God preserves our souls. Psalm 121:7 states, "The Lord shall preserve you from all evil; He shall preserve your soul". He is our "refuge" and “very present help in trouble”. We have an opportunity to suppress the rising flesh by resting in the refuge He provides. We mustn’t run in fear or fight against temptation in our own strength for in both these instances we are striving in the flesh. Instead, God wants us to rest and abide in Him. God’s abiding love is beautifully articulated in John 15:5 which states, "I am the vine, you are the branches". For us to live in sync with this design, we must cling to Him as He clings to us. He has a grip over our lives that nothing can sever but our fingers have the tendency to slip far too easily. We must hold tight to His promises and stand against any lie that opposes them to live in victory.

The enemy who lurks about in search of prey is looking for the branch hanging by a thread from the vine, the person who wavers in his faith. Such a person is double-minded, not fully convinced of God's sufficient grace and fails to conceive the extent of its protective covering. As it states, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9). We can boast in our weaknesses and even celebrate them for Christ’s strength is magnified in our shortcomings. The accuser of the brethren will remind us of them time and time but his words hold no weight when we rest in Christ’s grace. He ransomed us from the power of the grave (reference Hosea 13:14). Scripture tells us that "the sting of death is sin" (1 Corinthians 15:56) but Christ removed that sting and swallowed up death victoriously (paraphrased 1 Corinthians 15:54b-55). Referring back to the bee analogy, Christ removed the stinger from the enemy who now only buzzes threats and lies to terrorize and terrify an ear that is listening. But the person who realizes that victory is ours through Christ (reference 1 Corinthians 15:57) will overcome his schemes. As I heard a preacher once say, "we fight from victory not for it". No matter how loud the buzzing sound is that tempts us to fret, we must remember that the enemy cannot deliver on any threat. The common factor of every fear is death. With that removed, fear has no leg to stand on. In the same manner, the serpent who tempted Adam and Eve was cursed and casted to the ground without physical legs to stand on as God declared, "on your belly you shall go, and you shall eat dust all the days of your life" (Genesis 3:14). This example proves that even as far back as the beginning of time, the enemy was powerless, unable to stand up against God or the authority that rests on His children. He is not only under the heel of Christ who bruised his head but under the heel of all God’s creation who walk in Christ’s victory. He is under our feet. He has lost his sting.

It is liberating to know that we no longer live under the heavy hand of death. In victory it was conquered as Christ's arms stretched across the crossbeam and bridged the gap over death to eternal life. On the same token, the sting of death was ripped from the enemy's grip rendering him powerless. Whenever we are tempted to fight his schemes in the flesh, remember "we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places" (Ephesians 6:12). In our flesh, we are powerless to fight a spiritual battle. But draped in the armor of Christ, we are victorious for the outcome is already decided. Therefore, keep your hand to the plow without looking back, fighting back, or running in fear even when the bee incessantly buzzes in your ear. Remember that the bee has lost its sting and cannot deliver on any threat, lie, or temptation. "Be still and know" that the God who created you created you to fit perfectly into the palm of His hand. He is our present help and readily available for us to call on and to cling to. Hide the word of God inside your heart and when the flesh rises, the Holy Spirit will suppress it by bringing to remembrance God’s truth. Rest in scripture such as John 16:33 which reminds us to "be of good cheer [be encouraged and have courage], [for] I [Jesus] have overcome the world". Because Jesus Christ overcame the grave, we who are covered by grace have the authority to do the same. Death has lost its sting. Let us walk in that victory.

"Do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. But rather fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell. Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin? And not one of them falls to the ground apart from your Father's will. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore, you are of more value than many sparrows" (Matthew 10:28-31).

Do You Now Believe?

A few years ago, I caved under the heavy weight of depression. It began subtly as do all of the enemy's schemes and before long I found myself buried under a pile of bricks. It started out as an irrational thought that I flirted with on occasion. I would then entertain it for extended periods of time. Before I was aware of what was going on, this thought unpacked all of its belongings and decided to take up residency in my mind. This induced anxiety. Fear led to doubt and doubt led to a great divide between the Lover of my soul and I. It began as a trickle of compromise until the pressure built up and broke the dam preserving my sanity. In flooded a procession of irrational thoughts and out flowed peace of mind. Unable to stand under the weight of it all, I fell fast and hard into a tar pit. I liken depression to a tar pit because the characteristics of the two are eerily similar. Any living creature that regrettably stumbles into its snare has little to no chance of escape. The tar thickens around the living being making it nearly impossible for them to pull themselves out. As a result of exhaustion, they often submit to their defeat and perish.

Such is the case for people who spend most of their lives striving to free themselves out from under the weight of tribulation, whether it be depression, a physical incapacitation, or the pressure of their life's circumstances. The enemy and our self-will teaches the soul to strive until the tar thickens around us. Then it becomes evident that there is no means for escape. Thereafter, discouragement sets in as the soul realizes in a tragic panic that he is not in control of his fate. Sometimes God allows us to get to this place for in it we discover this truth: He alone saves. His arm is long enough to reach the very depths of the pit. He is strong enough to tighten our hand within His grip and pull us up until we rise above the thick, black residue representing our past. "Behold, the Lord God shall come with a strong hand...He will gather the lambs with His arm" (Isaiah 40:10-11). And as a result, "they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not be faint" (Isaiah 40:31). This is a hope and a promise to those who believe.

I place emphasis on the word "believe" because there comes a point in every pilgrim's pilgrimage where he revisits a foundational statement of faith, a yes or no response to the question that catalyzed his life's work: "Do you believe?". I've heard highly respected pastors say that they too have circled this question even after several years of walking with the Lord and serving in ministry. It's not a matter of questioning the reality of Jesus Christ as it is an honest examination of whether or not one has accepted the totality of Christ into his life. This question compels a person to evaluate if he believes that Jesus Christ is who He says He is and will do what He has promised. The disciples who witnessed firsthand God's miraculous healing work in their lives as well as in the lives of others are met with this question by the Lord Himself. He first explains to them a foundational truth, "I [Jesus] came forth from the Father and have come into the world. Again, I leave the world and go to the Father" (John 16:28). After the disciples heard and admit that they understood, Jesus Christ follows up with a foundational question: "Do you now believe?" (John 16:31). Isaiah 61 explains the earthly ministry Jesus Christ fulfilled when He departed from the Father. This work continues on in the lives of those who are indwelt by the Holy Spirit. If we believe Jesus Christ came forth from the Father, then we believe He came to "to preach good tidings to the poor;...to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound" (Isaiah 61:1). What does this mean for the believer? When one has professed Jesus Christ as His Lord and Savior, He is handed everything mentioned in the aforementioned scripture, gift-wrapped in what we know as salvation. This gift offers us freedom from the tar pit and healing from the exhaustion of striving to make it out on our own. But, the gift must be received before the believer can experience the abundant life God has promised through it.

In two accounts of God's miraculous healings, we see the immediate transaction of healing that takes place at the onset of belief. Two strangers meet at a crossroads where Jesus stands having only one noticeable commonality--a desperate need for Him. The woman with the issue of blood and Jairus, the father of a 12 year-old girl on her death bed, both come to the very place where they believe they will receive the remedy to their malady. The woman with the issue of blood touches the hem of Jesus' garment and is instantly healed. Jesus says to her, "your faith has made you well" (Luke 8:48). Jairus, on the other hand, fearful after just receiving news that his daughter has died is told to "believe" before he and Jesus travel to his home. He says to Jairus, "Do not be afraid; only believe, and she will be made well" (Luke 8:50). Before moving forward in our journey toward healing, we must identify with our foundational belief as did Jairus. What do you know to be true about Jesus? Do you believe He is who He says He is and will do what He has promised?

The fact that the woman with the issue of blood immediately receives healing leads me to believe that she had already developed a faith in Christ before their encounter. She must have heard of who Christ is and made a choice to place her faith in her only hope. For she, like those who strive while stuck in a tar pit, spent "all her livelihood on physicians and could not be healed by any" (Luke 8:43). Here we see that she believed that Jesus alone would heal her. Jesus meets us in our desperation where there is nothing or no one we can depend on to pacify our pain. He only establishes authority over that which we give Him access to and He doesn't compete with our striving. When we are willing to rest in His strength and in His ability, He will proceed to heal our hearts completely and unravel the bondage in our lives. We must remember this, at the conception of our faith, when we have made a choice to receive Jesus into our hearts, the work is already done. We, however, need to learn this truth and accept it as reality. This is the work that God is doing in the interim. Jesus states, "If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free" (John 8:31-32). Here Jesus explains that it takes an active faith that clings to the word of God and receives instruction by it. As we know and grow in the truth, the truth in turn shall set us free. Our hearts will experience the healing that has already taken place and our minds will be liberated of faulty thought patterns when we grasp the truth by force. At this point, nothing or no one can take it from us.

After the woman with the issue of blood is healed, Jesus tells her to "be of good cheer" and "go in peace" (Luke 8:48). And He commands us to do the same. In Luke 16:33, after Jesus questioned the disciples' belief, He goes on to say, "These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world". Jesus Christ wouldn't command us to do something He hasn't already equipped us to do. Therefore, if He tells us to "be of good cheer" and maintain peace, I trust it is possible so long as we are found in Him, "abiding in His word" as mentioned in John 8:31. He doesn't say that we will be free from tribulation but He does promise freedom from our striving beneath it. Believers and non-believers are subject to storms just the same, but the difference is this--the believer is offered a priceless gift of peace in the midst of the storm.

The Greek translation for "tribulation" is "thilipsis" which literally means "putting a lot of pressure on that which is free and unfettered". This is the perfect description of what it looks like when a believer is buried under the weight of a trial. He is in fact free though he may not see it that way. 2 Corinthians 4:8-10 states, "We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed--always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body". According to scripture, though we are "hard-pressed on every side" we are not crippled. We are promised abundant life in Jesus Christ who rose from the dead and "overcame the world". When we tuck ourselves into the fold of His wing, "united together in the likeness of His death" as well as "in the likeness of His resurrection" (Romans 6:5), we die to the former man and live with Him unto eternal life. As Christ rises from the ashes with Healing in His wings (Malachi 4:2), we rise with Him, healed of heartache and free from a mentality of defeat.

But it all begins with a choice. We can choose to live in Him, taking Him at His word moment by moment, or we can live under the weight of tribulation which presses down and squeezes out the sweet nectar of the fruits of the Spirit operating in our lives. There is in fact alot to be cheerful about when we believe that Jesus Christ is who He says He is. If we are waiting for Him to demonstrate this truth, we could be hindering spiritual breakthrough. We must first believe the Word and when we do, we invite freedom, peace, and healing into our hearts. We can allow our tribulation to cripple us or we can rise above it as Jesus did when He overcame the world. We can choose to stand in God's camp or on the outskirts. This is a choice one must make daily. God may choose not to heal you completely from a debilitating disease but in truth your soul is free as is your heart and your mind. The enemy would have us to look at our physical, mental, or emotional incapacitations, but Christ calls us look at our freedom in Him--freedom to love and receive love, to maintain a cheerful disposition despite how our body or our hearts ache, and to be still in His peace knowing who God is and what He has done for us.

Our soul is not yet separate from our body, therefore we can't physically see such liberation. But, we can apply this truth to every tribulation we face and in turn experience freedom as we walk in it. With that said, I encourage you to ponder upon these two questions. What if you were to live like somebody left the gate open? Instead of standing behind it, crippled by fear, will you dare to run through it like nothing is stopping you? Just as a runner jolts forward at a shot made by the starting gun, we must move with the same boldness when we respond affirmatively to the question we all face at the starting line: "Do you now believe"? Let us not return to where we started because we have not fully grasped the depths of what this suggests. Let us grip the reality of who Christ is in our lives as if no one can take it from us. If you find yourself stuck in a tar pit, remember there is freedom awaiting those who believe that they have already been set free.